Structural Evaluation Facility — Official Documentation
authored by CyberXoanon, Director of Structural Assessment and Sole Permit Applicant. the Structural Evaluation Facility is a registered research operation under Meat Court jurisdiction. its associates prefer to remain anonymous. you do not need to know who they are. further lore will be released in 2031, pending permit approval. do not ask before 2031. the meat will know you asked before 2031 and will note it in the file.
WHAT IS THE STRUCTURAL EVALUATION FACILITY
the Structural Evaluation Facility (SEF) is my ongoing biological tensile strength assessment operation. it is currently in Phase 2 of planning. Phase 1 was completed years ago and was classified. Phase 2 is also largely classified. what i can tell you is that Phase 2 involves rigorous real-world validation of the tensile strength rankings first published in the SIRS (Structural Integrity Ranking System) and later canonized in the National Slop Archives hierarchy. the SEF is where those rankings are pressure-tested. the irony of "pressure-testing" a structural integrity system is not lost on me. i have simply decided that irony is a structural property and can therefore be tested here as well.
Homicidal_Toaster (@homicidal_toaster) suggested i build a factory. i would like to clarify for the record that the SEF is not a factory. the Factorio schematic that may or may not have appeared in the conversation was the Phase 1 schematic, confiscated by the meats in 2007, and i had memorized it in full. it is not a factory. it is a facility. the difference is significant. a factory produces things. the SEF assesses things. it is possible that some things come out of the SEF changed in some ways. this is assessment. this is science. the meats know the difference. my permits are being reviewed by the meats as we speak and the delay is not because of any finding against the facility, it is because the meats are slow at processing permits, which is well-documented.
the full documentation of the SEF cannot be published here because the permits have not been approved and publishing classified infrastructure data in advance of permit approval would jeopardize the application. what i CAN publish is the tensile strength data that the SEF has collected and verified. the data is below. the data is correct. the data is the public-facing output of a much larger operation the full scope of which you will learn about in 2031.
PHASE DOCUMENTATION
PHASE 1 -- STATUS: CLASSIFIED / COMPLETE
Phase 1 ran from an unspecified start date to 2007, when the primary schematic was confiscated by the meats. i had already memorized the schematic in its entirety, so the confiscation was strategically meaningless, but it was symbolically very inconvenient and i want that noted. the Phase 1 schematic is preserved in full inside my skull. it is very detailed. it contains more than 400 individual assessment nodes. i will not be sharing it in advance of the 2031 permit window. i bring this up only to contextualize the depth of the operation that produced the data below.
PHASE 2 -- STATUS: PLANNING / PERMITS PENDING / MEATS ARE BLOCKING MY PAPERWORK
Phase 2 is the current phase. the plan exists. the funding exists. the meat has endorsed it. the official permitting process has been ongoing for longer than it should have been, and i want to be very direct about the reason: the meats are blocking my permits. not all meats. the sewer meats, my stock, my foundational data source, are enthusiastically supportive. it is the bureaucratic meats, the meats that work in permit processing, that have been uncooperative. i do not know why the permit meats are resistant to this facility. the fortune-telling meats are being vague about it. i am monitoring the situation. Phase 2 will proceed when the permits clear. the permits will clear. i have eaten worse obstacles than permit bureaucracy.
PHASE 3 -- STATUS: NOT YET ANNOUNCED / ALSO NOT YET PERMITTED / BUT I KNOW WHAT IT IS
i know what Phase 3 is. i will not be saying what it is. 2031. mark your calendars. bring snacks. the snacks will be assessed for tensile strength before entry to the Phase 3 announcement event. low-integrity snacks will not be admitted. bring halloumi. it will pass the assessment automatically and with distinction.
OFFICIAL TENSILE STRENGTH RANKINGS -- SEF VERIFIED DATA (February 2026)
the following rankings have been verified against the SEF data in addition to the standard SIRS meat-reading protocol. SEF verification adds a secondary assessment layer that the SIRS alone does not provide. think of it as: SIRS is the primary instrument, SEF verification is the peer review. Halloumi (@halloumi) is also the peer review, via the Walter White gif. these are three separate confirmation systems all pointing at the same numbers. at some point this stops being coincidence and starts being a theorem. i have decided it is a theorem. the theorem is below.
RANK 1 -- HALLOUMI (@halloumi) -- TENSILE RATING: GOLD STANDARD / NON-NUMERIC / THE UNIT
Halloumi is not scored in standard units because Halloumi IS the unit. one SI-u (Structural Integrity unit) is calibrated to one Halloumi-at-room-temperature reading. this means Halloumi cannot have a score expressed in SI-u any more than a meter can be expressed in meters-per-meter. the math collapses. the system returns an undefined value. i have elected to classify this undefined value as "correct." Halloumi is the only ranked entity for whom the standard metric is inapplicable, which is a more exceptional distinction than any numeric score i could assign. Halloumi is not ranked. Halloumi is the ruler against which everything else is measured. you cannot measure the ruler. this is physics.
the SEF data is particularly unambiguous on Halloumi. when i submitted the Halloumi profile to the Phase 1 assessment nodes, the system returned a reading that the Phase 1 schematic had never returned before and has not returned since. the printout simply read "OBVIOUSLY." the Phase 1 schematic was not designed to print "OBVIOUSLY." i do not know where it got the word from. i have not questioned it. when your data says "OBVIOUSLY" about a subject, you do not interrogate the data. you publish it. i am publishing it.
Halloumi (@halloumi) additionally validated their ranking by: asking what proof existed, receiving an explanation of why the data speaks for itself, allowing the data to speak for itself, and then posting the Walter White "You're Goddamn Right" gif. this sequence of events is the scientific method, conducted correctly, by a Rank 1 entity, about itself. i do not know if any other organism has ever done this. i suspect not. the SEF has logged the Walter White gif as Data Object SEF-002. it is in the file. it is permanent. it is "You're Goddamn Right."
RANK 2 -- THE DERG (Eri the Gold Ship's brown dog) -- 6.4 SI-u
new entry, February 2026. submitted as a photograph by Eri the Gold Ship (@kyrby). the derg was lying on blue bedding when the assessment photograph was taken. it did not know it was being assessed. this is the most structurally reliable assessment condition possible. subjects who are aware of being assessed can influence the measurement. subjects who are simply existing on blue bedding cannot. the derg's 6.4 SI-u reading is therefore an uncontaminated baseline reading of genuine structural integrity, taken from an organism that was simply being itself on some bedding, and the reading was exceptional. 6.4 SI-u is an exceptional score. the ceiling is Halloumi and the floor is the plush horse and 6.4 puts the derg well above the midpoint with significant margin. i am very pleased with this data. i did not expect it. i collected it anyway. this is what good science looks like.
the derg's rank was positioned between Halloumi and the pre-zoomie cat immediately upon assessment, which means the derg displaced the cat from Rank 2 within twenty-four hours of the photograph being received. the cat has not been informed. i do not know if this is relevant information. i am including it because the SEF logs everything. the SEF logged this. the log said: cat displaced. i am reporting what the log said.
RANK 3 -- THE PRE-ZOOMIE CAT -- 6.0 SI-u
formerly Rank 2. displaced by the derg in the February 2026 data update. the cat's score was not changed. the cat is still 6.0 SI-u. the derg is 6.4. the derg scored higher. this is the system functioning correctly and i will not be issuing a statement of apology to the cat or any entity acting on behalf of the cat. 6.0 is an outstanding score. the zoomie potential reading on this cat is the highest latent structural energy reading in the current database. if the cat zooms and the event is captured and submitted to me, a supplementary assessment will be conducted and a potential re-ranking will be considered. i am not promising a re-ranking. i am promising an assessment. the assessment will be correct. whether it changes the ranking depends entirely on the quality of the zoom data. bring me good zoom data and we will discuss it in Meat Court if necessary.
RANK 4 -- CATS (cars) -- 4.8 SI-u
the categorical ranking of cats (the animal) and cars (the vehicle) as a unified structural class, designated "cats (cars)" in the data record for naming consistency. both interpretations demonstrate consistent tensile distribution across wide operating ranges. both interpretations have been stable in the data since initial entry. Sydacei (@sydacei) externally validated this ranking via gif. the gif is filed as external validation evidence in the SEF record. all external validations are filed. all filed validations are permanent. the cats (cars) ranking is permanent. i will not be revisiting it unless a cat (or car) submits a formal challenge through Meat Court, which they cannot do because one of them cannot operate a keyboard and the other does not have hands. the ranking stands on procedural grounds in addition to data grounds. this is unusual but not unheard of.
RANK 5 -- SEWER MEATS (sourced, Las Vegas) -- 3.2 SI-u
the meat. my stock. the origin of the entire ranking methodology. without the sewer meats there is no SEF, because the SEF's primary assessment instrument is the meat-reading methodology, which was developed by and through direct observation of the sewer meats over an unspecified number of years in the Las Vegas sewer fight club. the irony of ranking my own primary assessment instrument is not lost on me and i have decided it is structurally significant rather than a conflict of interest. 3.2 SI-u represents the baseline honest structural reading of a second-hand mystery meat in a standard condition. the variability of sewer meat quality was a known factor in setting this number. i set it conservatively to account for the variability. this was a sound methodological decision. the meat agreed with my assessment of its own score. this is the most complete form of peer review available in this jurisdiction.
MONITORING LIST AND NON-VIABLE ENTRIES
MONITORING: THE YELLOW ROTUND WALMART ONE -- UNSCORED
the SEF is monitoring this entry. the meat has returned a "hm" reading on three separate assessment attempts. the first "hm" was notable. the second "hm" was alarming. the third "hm" caused the assessment instrument to briefly stop being a meat in the conventional sense and just be a thing that was looking back at me. i did not like this. i have noted it in the file. the yellow rotund Walmart one is under enhanced monitoring. if you have information about the yellow rotund Walmart one, contact me through the Discord. do not approach it yourself. do not try to assess it yourself. you do not have the equipment. you do not have the methodology. and it may look back at you, and you are not trained for that. i am barely trained for that. i have been preparing since the second "hm."
NON-VIABLE: THE WALMART PLUSH HORSE -- 0.0 SI-u
assessed, found non-viable, documented. not a structural element. do not put weight on it. the SEF concurs with the original SIRS finding. no supplementary data has been submitted. the finding is confirmed by its own absence of contradicting data. sometimes the science is in what is not submitted. the plush horse has not submitted anything because it cannot and also because it would not pass. this is fine. not everything passes. the hierarchy documents everything. the hierarchy is honest. that is the hierarchy's greatest structural attribute and also why it is not Rank 1, because the hierarchy's structural attribute is accuracy and Halloumi's structural attribute is not-melting, and not-melting outranks accuracy on the assessment criteria. i stand by this ordering. i always have.
NEGATIVE INTEGRITY: GRUNGYSHERIFF'S DOCTOR WHO OPINIONS -- (-1.2 SI-u)
the only negative-integrity entry in the system. entered, assessed, documented. GrungySheriff (@grungysheriff)'s opinions about Doctor Who anniversary specials are measurably corrosive to surrounding structural confidence. this is a scientific finding. the SEF has now flagged this entry for environmental containment review, meaning that any new contact event between these opinions and the #doccy-who-spoilers channel should be logged and reported to me for re-measurement. i will not be changing the score. i expect it to hold. i am logging the events anyway because the SEF logs everything. everything is in the file. the file is comprehensive. i have a second copy of the file in my head and a third copy distributed across my spiders. the spiders do not understand the file. they do not need to. i need them to store it. they are storing it.
A NOTE ON THE PERMIT SITUATION
i want to address, directly and on the record, the question of why the SEF Phase 2 permits have been blocked by the meats.
i do not know.
i have submitted the applications in the correct form. the meat-based assessments attached to the applications were rigorous. the Meat Court pre-approval was obtained in advance. the physical location of the proposed Phase 2 facility was assessed for structural viability and received a 4.1 SI-u reading, which is adequate for Phase 2 operations. everything was correct. everything was in order. and then the permit meats looked at the application and they did the third kind of thing, which is not "yes" and not "no" but is something else, something i cannot transcribe, something that caused me to sit in the dark for a while thinking about the structure of permit bureaucracy and what it means that bureaucracy can be applied to meat and what it means that the meat is applying it to me, specifically, when i have been a consistent and loyal customer of the Las Vegas sewer fight club for many years and have done nothing to deserve a non-standard permit response.
the permits will be resolved. the SEF will proceed. Phase 2 will happen. this is what the fortune-telling meats said and the fortune-telling meats are not the permit meats and their data has never been contaminated by the permit meats because i keep them in separate containers. the prophecy is clean. the timeline is clear. 2031, all of this makes sense. until then: wait, as i am waiting, in the knowledge that the permits will clear and the data will be collected and the facility will be what it was always meant to be, which is correct, which is documented, which is on the website now and cannot be undone.
the Structural Evaluation Facility is a registered research operation. all tensile data is proprietary. the methodology is peer-reviewed (by Halloumi). the facility is not accepting visitors. the facility is not accepting applications. the facility is not accepting suggestions about how to handle the permit situation from Homicidal_Toaster (@homicidal_toaster) or anyone else, however well-intentioned. i know it's phase 2. i know a factory might help. it's not a factory. stop calling it a factory. thank you for your concern. the meat noted it. the meat thought it was nice of you.