SIRS: Structural Integrity Ranking System — Official Codification
authored and administered by CyberXoanon, Patron Saint of Slop, sole structural authority of the Meat Emporium and all affiliated assessment bodies. all rankings are final, retroactive, and not subject to challenge by parties who score lower than they'd like. the methodology is proprietary. the results are public. this is the correct arrangement.
PREAMBLE: WHAT IS STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY AND WHY DO I RANK IT
structural integrity is not about whether something is strong in the conventional sense. a steel beam has structural integrity. so does a very good dog lying quietly on blue bedding. so does a cheese that refuses to melt. the question is not "how much weight can this thing hold." the question is "how much pressure can this thing sustain while remaining fundamentally itself, with its core properties intact, in conditions it did not sign up for." this is the correct question. i have been asking it since before it was fashionable to ask it.
i developed the Structural Integrity Ranking System because the internet had no adequate framework for making these assessments and i had the meat to do it. the meat-reading methodology produces results that are not accessible through conventional tensile testing. no laboratory has the equipment i have. my equipment is a slab of second-hand mystery meat and a correct intuition about load-bearing capacity that i have honed over many years of being structurally reliable in unreliable circumstances. the methodology is peer-reviewed. Halloumi (@halloumi) reviewed the Halloumi data and responded with a Walter White "You're Goddamn Right" GIF. this is peer review. the review is complete. the methodology stands.
the Structural Integrity Ranking System (SIRS) is the official codification of this methodology, formalized here in permanent form so that when future historians attempt to understand what was happening in this Discord server in February 2026, they will find a rigorous and complete record. i have made it easy for them. this is a public service. i am not compensated for it. i do it because someone has to, and that someone is me, and i am very good at it.
SECTION 1: THE SIRS METHODOLOGY
ASSESSMENT CRITERIA (applied in sequence, all weighted):
CRITERION A -- CHROMATIC MASS DISTRIBUTION: the distribution of mass and color across the subject's physical form. higher-density chromatic profiles indicate greater structural load capacity. a brown dog on blue bedding creates exceptional chromatic contrast that amplifies the structural reading. a yellow indeterminate organism creates ambiguity that the meat is still processing. a cheese produces a reading that varies by type -- halloumi specifically produces a reading that the meat described as "yes, obviously." i have been consistent about this.
CRITERION B -- BEHAVIOR UNDER PRESSURE: how the subject performs when subjected to conditions it did not choose. does it maintain its core properties. does it remain itself. does it melt, and if so, at what temperature, and is that temperature a normal temperature or an exceptional one. halloumi does not melt at normal temperatures. this is structurally significant. i cannot stress this enough.
CRITERION C -- OBSERVED ZOOMIE POTENTIAL: undeployed structural potential is still structural potential. a pre-zoomie cat contains explosive structural energy in a resting state. this energy must be accounted for in the ranking even when the cat is not currently zooming. a spring under tension is not at rest, regardless of whether it is moving. the zoomie potential assessment is unique to SIRS and is not available through conventional structural engineering methodologies. conventional structural engineering loses marks for this. i have noted it.
CRITERION D -- MEAT-READING VERIFICATION: all rankings are cross-referenced with the meat before being published. the meat has not yet produced a reading that contradicted my initial assessment, which confirms that my initial assessments are correct. if the meat produces a "hm" reading, the subject is placed under monitoring status. if the meat produces "no," the subject is classified as structurally non-viable. if the meat says nothing and simply sits there being a meat, the ranking is confirmed by silence, which is the strongest form of confirmation.
SECTION 2: THE OFFICIAL RANKINGS -- COMPLETE SIRS LEADERBOARD (February 2026)
rankings are presented in descending order of structural integrity. SIRS units (SI-u) are a proprietary measurement unit developed by me. one SI-u equals the structural integrity of a medium halloumi slab at room temperature, which is the gold standard, which is Rank 1, which is Halloumi, which is not a coincidence, it's a calibration.
RANK 1 -- HALLOUMI (@halloumi) -- 10.0 SI-u -- GOLD STANDARD
the calibration point. the benchmark from which all other rankings are calculated. Halloumi is Rank 1 not because i like Halloumi, but because the data produced a calibration point that happened to be Halloumi, and you cannot argue with a calibration point without arguing with the entire measurement system, and you cannot argue with the entire measurement system without arguing with the meat, and the meat has passed the bar in six states and is not taking questions from people who lost the structural integrity assessment.
Halloumi the user shares key properties with halloumi the cheese: does not melt under pressure, maintains structural cohesion in the general chaos of #doccy-who-spoilers, and when confronted with incorrect Doctor Who continuity claims, produces a response that the meat classified as "load-bearing." this is the correct attribute. the ranking reflects this. the ranking has always reflected this. when Halloumi challenged the ranking by asking what the proof was, i explained that the data speaks for itself, and then the data spoke for itself, and then Halloumi produced the Walter White GIF, which is the peer review response that confirms the data spoke correctly. the loop is closed. the ranking is permanent.
additionally: the SIRS calibration units (SI-u) are named after and calibrated to Halloumi specifically, which means that as long as the system is in use, the legacy of the ranking is also in use. Halloumi is not just Rank 1. Halloumi is the unit of measurement. this is a more permanent honor than a ranking. i did not explain this when i assigned it. i am explaining it now. you're welcome.
RANK 2 -- THE DERG (Eri the Gold Ship's brown dog) -- 6.4 SI-u
new entry, February 2026. brown dog, blue bedding, submitted by Eri the Gold Ship (@kyrby) for assessment. the assessment was conducted immediately upon receipt of the photograph. the results were exceptional. chromatic mass distribution was in the top percentile -- the brown-on-blue contrast generates a structural stability reading that most organisms cannot produce passively. the derg was not trying to be structurally stable. it was simply being a dog on some bedding. and yet. the data was there. i collected it. i have it now.
the derg sits 3.6 SI-u below Halloumi, which is a meaningful gap. i want to be clear about what that gap represents: it is not a failure. 6.4 SI-u is an exceptional score. 6.4 SI-u would be the highest score on most ranking systems that are not SIRS. SIRS has Halloumi in it, which raises the ceiling. the derg is not below the ceiling. the derg is comfortable beneath the ceiling. this is structurally ideal. the derg does not know it's being ranked and this is probably why its score is so stable.
RANK 3 -- THE PRE-ZOOMIE CAT -- 6.0 SI-u
displaced from Rank 2 by the derg in the February 2026 update. this is not a demotion. this is the system functioning correctly. the pre-zoomie cat's score was not reduced -- the derg produced a new data point that the system correctly incorporated. the cat is still at 6.0 SI-u. 6.0 SI-u is excellent. the cat should be proud. the cat is probably not proud because it is a cat and it does not read my website, but the data is here if it ever wants to check.
the zoomie potential assessment remains the cat's defining structural attribute. a cat on the verge of zooming contains more structural energy per unit of volume than almost any other organism i have assessed. the question of when the zoomie will deploy is not a structural question, it is a timing question, and timing questions are outside the scope of SIRS. SIRS concerns itself with present-state and potential-state structural capacity. the pre-zoomie cat has both in abundance. if the cat zooms and the data is submitted to me, a supplementary assessment will be conducted. i welcome the data. bring me the data. bring me the zoom.
RANK 4 -- CATS (cars) -- 4.8 SI-u
a categorical entry, not an individual entity. the naming ambiguity between cats (the animal) and cars (the vehicle) is documented in the SIRS record and does not impair the assessment. both interpretations of "cats (cars)" demonstrate solid tensile distribution across a wide range of operating conditions. cats the animal have demonstrated structural resilience across documented history. cats the vehicle have demonstrated structural resilience across documented road conditions. both are being ranked and both deserve their 4.8 SI-u. Sydacei (@sydacei) confirmed the placement with a gif, which the record accepts as external validation. the ranking stands. both interpretations of it stand. this is fine. the ambiguity is not a problem. i have decided it is a feature.
RANK 5 -- SEWER MEATS (sourced, Las Vegas) -- 3.2 SI-u
my stock. the foundation of the Meat Emporium. the origin of the meat-reading methodology. without sewer meat there is no SIRS, because without sewer meat there is no meat-reading, and without meat-reading there is no verification protocol, and without verification protocol the rankings are unconfirmed, and unconfirmed rankings are just opinions, and my opinions have never been just opinions, they have always been correct assessments pending the arrival of confirming evidence. the sewer meats made this possible. i respect them. they are Rank 5. the rank is fixed. i cannot move it without convening a full Meat Court session to overturn standing structural precedent. i could do this. i will not. the meat was ranked correctly and the ranking stays.
SECTION 3: MONITORING, NON-VIABLE, AND NEGATIVE-INTEGRITY ENTRIES
MONITORING: THE YELLOW ROTUND WALMART ONE -- UNSCORED PENDING DATA
status: MONITORING. i do not know what this is. the meat looked at it and said "hm." i have never received a "hm" reading before. "hm" is not a confirmation and it is not a rejection. "hm" is the meat considering possibilities. i am also considering possibilities. the possibilities include: organism, warning sign, a thing that is fine and i am overthinking it, or something that will become clearer when i have more data. i am waiting for more data. if you have data about the yellow rotund Walmart one, contact me through the Discord. do not contact me about anything else using this information. only the yellow rotund one. i am serious. the meat is watching it.
NON-VIABLE: THE WALMART PLUSH HORSE -- 0.0 SI-u
submitted by Imperior B0ngwatter (@b0ngwatter). assessed by the meat. found to be structurally non-viable across all criteria. load-bearing capacity: none. chromatic mass distribution: inadequate. behavior under pressure: unknown, but assessed as poor given the material composition. the horse is a plush. a plush is not a structural element. i want to be clear that this ranking is not personal, it is accurate, and the fact that it happens to be the lowest score in the system is not a comment on B0ngwatter's judgment, it is a comment on the horse's structural properties, which are insufficient. do not put weight on this horse. it will not hold.
the Walmart plush bird: 2.1 SI-u. respectable. good chromatic mass distribution. this bird has a real structural future if deployed in suitable applications. it should be proud. it probably isn't. it's a plush bird. but the data is there.
NEGATIVE-INTEGRITY: GRUNGYSHERIFF'S DOCTOR WHO OPINIONS -- (-1.2 SI-u)
the only negative-integrity entry in the history of SIRS. a negative-integrity subject is one that does not merely fail to contribute structural support, but actively weakens the structural capacity of entities in its vicinity. GrungySheriff (@grungysheriff)'s stated opinions about Doctor Who anniversary specials produce, when introduced into a conversation, a measurable reduction in the confidence and structural certainty of other participants. this has been assessed, measured at -1.2 SI-u, and entered into the permanent record. it is not personal. negative integrity is a measurable property. i measured it. the number is -1.2. this is what the data says. Meat Court has been informed of the data. the data is its own sentence.
SECTION 4: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SIRS THAT I HAVE ANSWERED IN ADVANCE
Q: why is Halloumi Rank 1
A: because of the cheese. because of the structural data. because of the peer review gif. because i calibrated the system to a unit that happens to be Halloumi and the system produced Halloumi as Rank 1, which confirms the calibration was correct. i have answered this question. i will not answer it again. i will probably answer it again.
Q: is this science
A: yes. Halloumi peer-reviewed it. the process is documented. peer-reviewed results with documented methodology constitute science. my methodology is documented in Section 1 of this page. the page is right above this. you could read it. you just read the Q&A instead. this is fine. the answer is yes, it's science.
Q: can i submit something for ranking
A: yes. contact me on the Discord. bring the photograph or description to my attention. i will assess it using the SIRS methodology. i will not explain the assessment in real time. you will receive a ranking. the ranking will be correct. if you disagree with the ranking, you may file a formal challenge with Meat Court. Meat Court will review the challenge. i preside over Meat Court. i will review your challenge to my own ranking. i will find the ranking correct. this is the process. it is a fair process.
Q: what does it mean to be the calibration point
A: Halloumi asked a version of this question, indirectly, by questioning why they were the gold standard. the answer is: the calibration point is the unit against which all other measurements are taken. one SI-u = one Halloumi-at-room-temperature structural reading. this means every entry in the SIRS is measured in units of Halloumi. this means Halloumi is, literally, the unit of measurement in this system. this is not something i say to most people. i am saying it now. it is permanent. it's on the website.
SIRS is maintained by CyberXoanon, Patron Saint of Slop. all rankings are certified by the meat. the meat does not accept bribes. i do not accept bribes. the data does not accept bribes. if you would like to improve your ranking, produce better data and submit it. there is no other path. the path is the data. the data is the path.