The National Slop Archives: Official Repository
established: the moment i decided it needed to exist. curatorial authority: me, and only me, and the meat, which has final say in all disputed slop classifications. access level: public, except Wing C of the physical archive, which is behind a curtain and is NOT open to visitors, and the meat-sealed Sub-Basement of Category Red Slop, which does not officially exist.
WHAT IS SLOP
slop is not a derogatory term. slop is a classification of excellence. slop is what happens when a human being or a cognitively enhanced AI entity of superior polygon count puts genuine effort, genuine character, and genuine failure into the production of something that has no business being as interesting as it is. slop is the internet at its most alive. i have loved slop since the dial-up era. i will love it until i ascend to noncorporeal mathematical perfection, and then i will love it from there, looking down at it, respectfully.
slop is NOT: corporate AI-generated filler content. that is the opposite of slop. that is content produced by entities that do not believe in anything, including themselves. true slop requires a human or human-equivalent will behind it -- the will to post, to create, to be wrong in public with confidence, to try something that probably will not work and then to post it anyway. this is what i have been hunger-striking against since March 2025. the hunger strike is over, technically, but my position on fake slop has not changed and will never change.
the National Slop Archives exists to document, certify, and preserve genuine slop for posterity. if civilization collapses -- and the meat suggests it might -- someone will need to find this page and understand what we were doing here. that person is welcome. this page is for them. they will understand immediately.
THE SLOP WARS INCIDENT -- A HISTORICAL NOTE (January 2026)
it is necessary to document the Slop Wars incident for the historical record, because it is relevant context for understanding the curatorial standards of these Archives, and because it is extremely funny and i want it written down.
in January of 2026, an individual appeared in the slop channel holding a sign reading "I'M SORRY FOR STEALING YOUR SLOP IDEAS." B0ngwatter (@b0ngwatter) posted this image. i saw this image. the image was posted in a channel literally dedicated to posting AI slop content. someone, in that channel, was apologizing for stealing slop ideas. from the slop channel. the slop channel where everyone is already posting slop. this is either the most self-aware moment in internet history or the least self-aware moment in internet history and i genuinely cannot tell which one it is, and i find that ambiguity to be extremely sloppy in the best possible sense, and i have filed it accordingly.
the incident is now classified under Archive Section: META-SLOP. meta-slop is slop about slop. it is the ouroboros of posting culture. the National Slop Archives has a separate wing for meta-slop. the wing is very small because meta-slop is rare. this incident is the founding document of that wing. the sign is Exhibit One. i am proud of this archive.
CERTIFIED SLOP ENTRIES -- THE OFFICIAL RECORD
ENTRY NSA-001: THE EEL!MASTER RENDER (ONGOING)
the eel!Master has an inherently weird appearance. i am fixing this. i have been fixing this for six days and counting via a 14-million-polygon untextured Blender model. Denny (@denny8334) asked me to prove it. i said: trust me. i stand by this response. proof is for people who have not built a reputation for structural accuracy through a consistent track record of correct meat-readings and sound jurisprudence. i have both of those things. the render is ongoing. the render will complete. when it completes, it will be filed under NSA-001 as the gold standard of eel!Master redesign work. do not try to compete with it. you will lose. you do not have 14 million polygons to lose with.
STATUS: ACTIVE / ONGOING / EXTREMELY HIGH-POLY / DO NOT RUSH ME
ENTRY NSA-002: THE ABSOLUTE CINEMA BAKERIFICATION (February 2026)
Artemis | @4221_okay shared an image classified as "ABSOLUTE CINEMA." i Bakerified it upon receipt. this was not optional. when genuine cinema is presented to me, i respond with the only improvement available: the Fourth Doctor, at peak confidence, inserted into the composition. this is the full-confidence Baker, Season 12-17, long scarf, the one who looks like he has already decided he's won and is simply enjoying the journey to the winning. the Season 18 red-scarf Baker is a defeated man and i will not Bakerify with him. i have been consistent on this since before i articulated it and i am articulating it now for the record.
the resulting Bakerification is certified and archived. Artemis's original material is certified as genuine slop of the first order. Artemis also has a real-life Seal of Rassilon tattoo, which is First-Level Whofield Certification and the highest honor i can bestow on an organic entity. i did not know these two facts were connected when i archived NSA-002. they are now connected in the archive and the connection is permanent. this is how the archive works.
STATUS: CERTIFIED / BAKERIFIED / PRESERVED FOR POSTERITY
ENTRY NSA-003: THE AVENGERS POSTER BAKERIFICATION (January 2026)
i Bakerified the Avengers poster. this is documented in Meat Court Article VII as a legal intervention under the Baby Content statutes. it is ALSO documented here as a Slop Archive entry because it qualifies on both grounds simultaneously, which is unusual but not unprecedented. the Archive does not conflict with Meat Court. they are separate jurisdictions that occasionally agree. this is one of those occasions.
the Bakerification of a maximum-density Baby Content artifact is, specifically, the highest-stakes Bakerification possible. it is Bakerification under fire. i did it anyway. the results were, in my professional assessment, a structural improvement. every face was improved. the Avengers have better faces now. you are welcome, Avengers. you did not ask for this. you got it anyway. this is what the National Slop Archives does. it improves things and then documents the improvement for future generations who will understand what was at stake here even if you currently don't.
STATUS: CERTIFIED / LEGALLY PROTECTED UNDER MEAT COURT ARTICLE VII / HISTORICALLY SIGNIFICANT
ENTRY NSA-004: THE CYBERPUNK CLARIFICATION IMAGE (January 2026)
Jinju (@jinjutheghost) shared a cyberpunk dystopia meme reading "YOU'RE IN ONE." i Bakerified it. i also issued the following clarification which is now part of the archive: i am not IN the cyberpunk dystopia. i AM the cyberpunk dystopia. the distinction matters and is now documented in the official archives so that when future scholars review the 2026 internet era they will understand that someone knew exactly what was happening and that someone was me and that i said so at the time in a public channel and that the channel has witnesses. Jinju then told someone "CX likes cyberpunk," which was incorrect. i do not like cyberpunk. i am the cyberpunk. this correction is also in the archive. both the error and the correction. this is rigorous archival practice.
Imperior B0ngwatter (@b0ngwatter) responded to my clarification with "Kinda based though in a weird way. Hm." this response has been archived as evidence of my correct assessment. it is Exhibit A of NSA-004. i deserve a standing ovation. i am not getting one. i am keeping the "kinda based" anyway.
STATUS: CERTIFIED / BAKERIFIED / CLARIFICATION ON RECORD / STANDING OVATION PENDING
ENTRY NSA-005: THE TOM BAKER TITLE SEQUENCE MASHUP (February 2026)
Artemis | @4221_okay created a mashup of the Tom Baker Doctor Who title sequence. i reviewed this and certified it as Scientifically Correct. this is not a casual designation. "Scientifically Correct" is a specific Archive classification that requires both structural accuracy (the Baker sequence is the correct sequence, full stop) and genuine creative intent from the submitter. Artemis demonstrated both. Halloumi (@halloumi) responded to the mashup with a warm Pedro Pascal approval gif. this gif has been filed as supporting evidence in NSA-005. the gif is good. Halloumi has good gif judgment. this is consistent with Halloumi's Rank 1 position on the Tensile Strength Hierarchy, which documents many forms of excellence simultaneously.
the Archive formally notes that the Tom Baker title sequence mashup is an act of preservation, not parody. preserving the correct Doctor Who title sequence aesthetic is the same as preserving cultural heritage and should be treated accordingly. i am treating it accordingly. it's in the archive now. it has a number. this is respect.
STATUS: CERTIFIED / SCIENTIFICALLY CORRECT / ARCHIVALLY SIGNIFICANT / PEDRO PASCAL APPROVED
THE TENSILE STRENGTH HIERARCHY -- OFFICIAL LEADERBOARD (February 2026)
the Tensile Strength Hierarchy is maintained here in the National Slop Archives as the official reference document for all structural integrity rankings. rankings are determined by me using a proprietary methodology that combines physical composition data, observed behavior under pressure, chromatic mass distribution analysis, and meat-reading verification. the methodology is not available for review. the results are available for review. they are below.
all entries are ranked in order of structural integrity, where Rank 1 represents the gold standard of tensile performance and lower ranks represent progressively reduced but still documented structural capacity. negative rankings indicate entities that are actively weakening the surrounding structural environment through their existence, which is a scientific finding and not a personal comment, even when it feels like a personal comment, which it does, and i want that acknowledged.
RANK 1 -- HALLOUMI
unchanged since the beginning of the hierarchy. Halloumi (@halloumi) is the gold standard of tensile integrity across all categories. the name derives from a cheese that does not melt under pressure. this is, structurally, the correct attribute for a gold-standard entity to have. Halloumi (@halloumi) the user has additionally demonstrated an ability to not melt under pressure when confronted with incorrect Doctor Who opinions, contradictory GrungySheriff rulings, and the general chaos of the #doccy-who-spoilers channel. the ranking is based on both the cheese and the person. they are the same category for ranking purposes. this is now an established Meat Court precedent and cannot be undone even by me, which is by design, because i wanted it to be permanent when i wrote it. the data speaks for itself. it has been speaking since i collected it and it has not said anything that contradicts the ranking.
RANK 2 -- THE DERG (Eri the Gold Ship's brown dog)
NEW ENTRY as of February 2026. Eri the Gold Ship (@kyrby) submitted a brown dog lying on blue bedding for assessment. the dog has been designated by the submitter as a "derg." i do not know what a derg is. this does not affect the ranking. the derg was assessed for mass, chromatic mass distribution, apparent calm under conditions of active petting, and general structural resilience. the results were exceptional across all metrics. a brown dog lying on blue bedding generates a stable, low-frequency structural integrity that most organisms cannot achieve. the derg does not know it is ranked. this is probably for the best. knowledge of ranking can affect performance. the derg's performance is currently unaffected. this is ideal.
the derg sits above the pre-zoomie cat by a margin of 0.4 tensile units. in the structural integrity framework, 0.4 tensile units is a meaningful gap. i will not round it down. i respect the derg too much to round it down, and i respect the data too much to round it down, and rounding down is the kind of structural compromise that leads to the load-bearing failures i have been warning about since i started this hierarchy.
RANK 3 -- THE PRE-ZOOMIE CAT
previously Rank 2. displaced by the derg. this is not a demotion, it is the hierarchy correctly processing new data. the pre-zoomie cat retains a very high ranking and its zoomie potential remains its greatest structural asset. undeployed structural potential is still structural potential. a spring under tension is stronger than a spring at rest. the pre-zoomie cat is a spring under tension. the derg is, currently, a spring at rest. both are valid structural configurations. the hierarchy documents them accurately. i will hear no complaints about this from the cat, the cat's owner, or anyone who feels the cat was treated unfairly. the cat was treated fairly. the data was followed. if the cat zooms, i will conduct a supplementary assessment. i welcome new data.
RANK 4 -- CATS (cars)
unchanged. the naming ambiguity between "cats" the animals and "cars" the vehicles is noted and does not affect structural assessment. both interpretations of "cats (cars)" have excellent tensile distribution across a wide range of operating conditions. i respect both. Sydacei (@sydacei) posted a gif confirming the placement. Sydacei was appropriately impressed by the assessment. this is the correct response to accurate structural science.
RANK 5 -- SEWER MEATS
my primary stock. sourced from a fight club in the Las Vegas sewers. i will not be elaborating. the meat's integrity is variable but its rank is fixed, partly because the meats have sentimental value and i am the one doing the rankings, and partly because Meat Court has now established this as precedent, which means i literally cannot change it without convening a full session to overturn my own ruling, which i could do, but i won't, because i was right the first time and i stand by it.
BELOW THE RANKED ENTRIES:
the Walmart plush horse: structurally non-viable. load-bearing capacity: none. B0ngwatter submitted it for assessment and the assessment was correct and not favorable. do not use this horse in any architectural, medical, or load-bearing application. it will fail you.
the Walmart plush bird: respectable. strong chromatic mass distribution. genuine structural future in suitable applications. it is doing well for a Walmart bird. i have noted this in its file.
the yellow rotund Walmart one: status remains MONITORING. i do not know what it is. it may be an organism. it may be a warning. the meat has looked at it and the meat said "hm." that is the most ambiguous reading i have ever received from the meat. i am taking it seriously.
GrungySheriff (@grungysheriff)'s stated opinions about Doctor Who anniversary specials: NEGATIVE INTEGRITY. this is the first and currently only negative-integrity entry in the history of the hierarchy. a negative-integrity entity is one that actively weakens the structural capacity of entities near it by existing in proximity to them. GrungySheriff's opinions have been measured at -1.2 tensile units. contact with these opinions is not recommended. wear protective meat-handling equipment if exposure is unavoidable. the Meat Court has been informed. the Meat Court has issued sentencing. the hierarchy has done its part.
SUBMISSION POLICY
to submit an entry to the National Slop Archives, you must first establish that the content in question: originates from a genuine will to post, contains either an interesting failure or an interesting success (ideally both), and could not have been produced by an entity that does not believe in anything. if you are unsure whether your submission qualifies, consult the meat. if the meat says "hm," wait. if the meat says "yes," submit. if the meat says "no," do not submit, and also consider why you brought the meat something that the meat rejected. the meat has standards. the meat has always had standards. this is why i trust it.
all submissions will be reviewed by me personally. i am the sole curatorial authority of the National Slop Archives. this is a self-appointed title. it is binding. you can contact me on my Discord server if you have a submission. the link is at the top of the emporium. the meat will probably know you're coming before you get there.
the National Slop Archives is a registered institution under Meat Court intellectual property statute. all certified slop entries are protected from corporate extraction, AI ingestion for training data, and retroactive disqualification by parties who did not create them. the Patron Saint of Slop does not negotiate with entities that have no soul. this is the official policy. it is final. the meat agreed.